PITS OF HELL — After months of deliberation by the Committee of Nefarious Monotony and Nastiness, it was announced today that the Lifetime Achievement Award in Subtle Evil and Cruelty will be given to the world’s printer manufacturers for their work in creating small hells for users any time they needed to print literally anything.
The committee cited the numerous ways that printers fail their users on a regular basis, including the exorbitant price of toner, endless driver updates and malfunctions, and the fact that printers are perpetually running low on ink. They came to a consensus that very few evils had subtly ruined the days of so many people so often.
“This one was really a no-brainer for me,” said Baal, a longtime member of the committee. “Printers work frequently enough that there is enough plausible deniability that the average person could convince themselves that they couldn’t possibly be a work of evil. Something going wrong could cause anything from slight frustration to full on rage-induced meltdowns. We down here are such fans. I especially love how they had the audacity to rename ‘blue’ to ‘cyan’. That’s just so bad! I hope that as paperless technologies develop at schools and offices, the printer manufacturers can invest this money to create something even more sinister.”
The $6,660,000 prize will be split four ways between the printer manufacturers with a market share above 10%: Canon, Epson, HP, and Brother.
Upon contact, Canon, HP, and Brother all declined to comment. An Epson representative expressed that the company was “shocked” by their inclusion because they were unaware that had achieved 10% market share, a number that they had previously believed they were a few years from reaching.
To the surprise of many, the committee revealed that Satan himself would be presenting the award, something he has not done since 2004 when the award was given to the man who decided that the quality of music while on hold would be far too poor to enjoy. The Prince of Darkness has been a long time fan of printers ever since he first watched a student turn in a paper late because their school technology services decided not to refill the toner on the last day of finals. He called it a "highlight of the 21st century."
Other nominees included parking meters for their innovation in accepting nickels and pennies that add no time, to door manufacturers for creating enough variation in the weights of doors that when you go to open a door that looks heavy you actually pull the door so hard that you end up slamming the door open in front of a quiet but busy café, and everyone looks at you like “what’s your problem?” when you really don’t have a problem at all, you just wanted to see if they had iced tea, but they only have unsweetened ice tea, which you don’t want, so you leave right away, making sure to open the door quietly, which you get absolutely no credit for because people don’t notice things when they happen like they’re supposed to, and to climate change deniers for their hand in hastening worldwide destruction and catastrophe, which the committee agreed was too serious of a problem to fall under “Subtle Evil”.
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